Hormel’s ingenious creation, pictured tantalizing to the side of this column, will always have a spot in my pantry, and my heart. Often labeled cruelly as Something Posing AMeat one must admit that if salty pork of dubious origin is your thing, then SPAM is for you. It is in my fondness for this tin-packaged treat that my pain becomes evident. You see, when people refer to the junk that plugs our email in-boxes as “spam” I feel they are doing a disservice to our salty friend.

And while I would love to give you a six or seven hundred word love letter to the glory that is SPAM I’d rather dedicate my efforts to shaming the cursed pretender to the SPAM moniker.

Spam-vertising is the moral equivalent to the guys you see roaming the Las Vegas strip stuffing flyers into hands, needing only a motor reflex-response in place of actual eye contact. There is no simpler approach to advertising then this. Write it up, print a million copies and force it in front of as many eyes as possible. It may be crass, and it may be offensive, but it’s cheap and it works.

And admittedly I have no basic quibble with general spam. As long as it costs me nothing more than the time it takes to delete it I can live with it. Emails selling swamp land in Florida can be ignored, erased and forgotten in milliseconds. Here it is, take it or leave it. I got one the other day from a guy selling Tie Tucs. What is a Tie Tuc you ask? Well, it can only be described as a branded piece of sticky tape one affixes to the back of one’s neck-tie to hold the tie’s “tail” in place. Easily one of the dumbest products I’ve ever seen, but more than fair game for buddy to try to get me to buy it.

No, my vein-splitting issue with spam comes from email that pretends to be something it is not. A name that seems familiar announces in the subject line “great to see you” so I open it, hoping for a pleasant note from a friend only to be offered a rock-hard….well y’know. Or another one announcing interesting news items from the world of entertainment only to actually deliver an offer for affordable Russian mail-order brides.

How can this even work? Imagine a business that puts up a sign on their store announcing “patio furniture” knowing full well they only have shoes to sell. How long do you think it would take before the “switcheroo” was discovered?

“Do you have the Ricardo Montalban Signature Series wing-chair?”

“Surprise! We sell shoes!”

“But I want a wicker chair.”

“Not here, we sell shoes.”

“Why do you have a sign that says patio furniture?”

“To get you to come inside the store.”

“But I wanted a wicker chair.”

“Well, we only have shoes.”

“I’m going to go now and I don’t want you to follow me, okay?”

Does anyone think this is a good idea? Idiot! I wanted patio furniture, not friggen shoes. How is lying to me helping your case in any way?

Everyday I get thirty-eight email ads for low priced mortgages, or handbags, or stock tips or nude pics of Salma Hayek, or whatever, that turn out to be ads for half-priced Cialis. And even though by opening the Salma Hayek one I’ve lost any “moral authority” I may have had when it came to complaining about a bait and switch I still feel pretty darn cheesed off.

I mean really. “Gosh, send me ten cases of primo pills Mr. Trustworthy Internet Pharmacy.” If I really wanted Cialis why in a million years would I trust these schmucks to send my anything other than a hand-labeled (and likely misspelled) bottle of strawberry Pez?

I have read about, and agree fully, that there is one specific group responsible for this. They know who they are. Some of them may even be reading this very column. They are as guilty as guilty can be when it comes to propagating this moronic scourge on humanity.

Think about it. Why would these companies keep doing this unless SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE was giving in and buying from these pathetic pitches? Admit it. You’re doing it, and you can’t help yourself. I am annoyed, but not unsympathetic.

So, in the interests of human kindness, should you be one of those individuals devoid of a capacity for common sense or suffering large quantities of excess naiveté please email me your high-limit credit card numbers and all detailed personal information that you have available. Right now, for a limited time, I was able to secure a stupendous deal on a medication that will cure you of this sickness once and for all. And as luck would have it the meds taste exactly like orange Tic Tacs. Act now!

Some People Are Morons for sure.

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