Some ads really get to me. I don’t mean they’re badly made, there’s just something about them that rubs the wrong way. And for me, seeing them somehow creates an explosion of bright red hostility that I can’t explain. It’s a form of road rage, or ad rage I guess. I wish I could claim there was some deeper meaning or big idea I was objecting to. There isn’t. It’s really just a dumb sort of anger. Like hearing a voice at a party and instantly hating that person for no reason whatsoever. Somehow their presence just becomes a rock in your shoe you can’t stand them for even a moment. They must go away.

Two ads running right now fit this description for me. One has bugged the crap out of me ever since I first saw it. We’ll leave that for later. The other has built enmity inside me over many months. You see, I hated this second ad when I first saw it, yet found new reasons to loath it ever since. Obviously, I can only be referring to the commercials featuring Dr. Scholl’s gel insoles.

That anyone working in Dr Scholl’s head office could actually think that “Are you gellin’?” was going to become a national catchphrase and subsequently create an army of nimrods peer pressuring each other into making sure each of their friends were also “gellin’” is so irretrievably stupid that I get physically ill contemplating it.

Look at these ads. “Are you gellin’?  I’m so gellin’, Gellin like Magellin?  Gellin’ like a felon” Oh come on. There is nothing humorous or even slightly cool about these grinning losers. Nobody normal is ever going to use this line. Was “wassup” stupid? Absolutely, but I can see guys doing that one. The only dorks trying out “Are you gellin’?” tuck golf shirts into too-short pants, hang cell phones from their belts and wet themselves when dogs bark.

If you are remotely serious about ever kissing a girl again you will exorcise “Are you gellin’?” from your vocabulary. No exceptions. I am begging you.

For me, it is a point of delicious irony that the Transportation Security Agency in the US has banned the wearing of gel inserts on all flights, meaning there is no “gellin” on any airplane flying around the United States.  I owe Homeland Security a big wet kiss for that one.

Now as bad as that ad is the one that instantly burrowed itself through my last nerve is that stupid Fido cell phone ad. In your face music pounds while animals and their owners flash by slot machine style before finally stopping and fixating on one man and one dog. The man then morphs to his apartment with his loyal dog close by. Then, in hyper speed, we see his life change, as pictures on the wall disappear and are replaced with new ones even as his loyal “Fido” remains. We see new furniture appear and disappear, a new blond girlfriend appear and disappear, then another brunette, who he marries, has a baby with and then disappears just before a boyfriend appears who he snuggles softly with and then… What? What the hell was that?

Oh I get it, you had 15 seconds to run an ad and you needed a massive hook at the end to make people pay attention and go “Hey, did I really see that?” Good work guys, yes I did see it. I’m betting a lot of others did too.  Now what? Well, I could start wondering what happened to his kid, I guess. Maybe his new lifestyle has no room for a child now. What about his wife? He has the same freakin’ couch but he’s got a boyfriend now?  Why not show him in prison, or robbing a bank, or in a wheelchair, or crying or joining the army? No way. They wanted a little controversy, and maybe hoped to score a few free ad runs in return for their “edginess.” It is such an obvious attempt to do a crazy twist for no other reason than to shock that it bugs the heck out of me. I don’t know why it ticks me off so bad but when someone attempts to manipulate so nakedly I just lose it and this ad fits that bill near perfect.

So where does my rant leave me? I’ve vented my spleen, laid my anger bare and what have I got? Do I feel better? A little. I don’t expect much to come out of my complaints. I guess I could just chill and let it go. All ads run their course, and this too shall pass. Perhaps I should simply move on with my life and walk away.

Naaah, can’t do it. I want total bankruptcy for both of them. Until Dr. Scholl is pushing a shopping buggy with Fido leashed to the side I will not be satisfied. 1..2..3..4… Gellin’ Fido are no more….all together now….1..2..3..4…Gellin’ Fido out the store…….1..2..3..4……

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